“Long Time Listener, Last Time Caller” with Pilot Irwin

You break it, I fix it hour with Pilot. I am so glad to be back broadcasting to you today.

You know that we are your troubleshooting touchstone in a trying time.

If your website's down, your car's kaput, or your flamethrowing guitar isn't igniting properly,

you know what to do. Call Armageddon's one and only Fix-It Hotline radio station.

Today we're broadcasting from Treehouse down, and I could not be more excited.

So, if you want to call or write in, you know what to do.

The link to this will be posted in Discord, or you can put your question into the chat.

I am always happy to give advice, but as always, it may be fun, it may not be good.

So, let's get started.

Before we put anybody on the spot, I do want to say that this program is brought to you by Hard Rock Coffee,

which is designed to help you stay up on late nights keeping watch and fixing engines.

Hard Rock Coffee. Life is hard. Coffee shouldn't be.

While we wait, I will just play a little bit of music to cover our time, unless...

Oh, here we go! It's our first caller, Maria from Jersey City.

Maria, you're on the air. How can I help?

Oh my god, it's so good to hear from you. I've been a long-time listener, a big fan.

You've helped me through some hard times.

You know, it's been okay here in Jersey, but I'm not far from New York City.

And increasingly, the lights, you know the weird lights that happen at night?

They've just been getting brighter and brighter.

I'm having trouble sleeping, and in this day and age, you need all the sleep you can get.

It's a little bit crazy out there.

So, I'm torn between do I continue to ignore the lights and do something about it, or should I investigate this?

I don't know. Most people... We're not crossing the bridge over to the island anymore.

Nobody does that, right? That's crazy, right? I'm not crazy for not crossing.

But the lights? I don't know.

Have you heard anything about these lights, or should I just invest in some light-blocking curtains of some sort?

I don't know. What are your thoughts?

Yeah, yeah. I'm not in the Tri-State area myself, but I have heard all the stuff that's been coming out about New York City.

I think you are right not to go over that bridge. That is just some crazy stuff out there.

In regards to investigating the lights, I think it sort of depends, Maria, what kind of gear do you have?

Do you have your protective equipment for radiation, heavy shock waves, anything like that?

Because if you're going into a hazardous zone, you want to be able to make sure you take care of yourself.

So, I can give you advice on how to set up protective blackout curtains, white light, white noise type generator stuff for your house.

But if you're trying to go out, I need a little more specifics on what kind of equipment you have going on at home.

That's an excellent, excellent question. Yeah.

Because that's what I don't know about the lights. Are they dangerous? Am I safe?

Nobody seems to know anything about them.

I've got the standard kit everybody has. I make sure my kids, Tommy and Tony, they are good.

So, you know, what everybody is rocking these days.

So, nothing, I mean, there's a lot of competition for that stuff here.

So, you know, you try to take care of what you got.

So, nothing, maybe not really adventuring gear, stuff to just keep you safe in your home.

So, you're packing, what, you know, flashlights. You've got standard heavy duty earplugs, things like that.

You've got, you got the acid rain jackets, anything like that, keeping that all safe? Good?

You know, the acid rain jackets recently were stolen.

And so I've been trying to find a way.

I don't know if you have any suggestions there about what I can do to replace that,

because now we're basically stuck inside anytime it rains.

And it rains a lot now, you know, it's doesn't it rains.

It rains like crazy and being this close to water, it makes me real.

Yeah, you're coastal, you're coastal, that's no good.

All right, well, for replacing an acid jacket, maybe trying to fix up,

see if you can treat existing anything you've got.

I would say that the first thing to make sure you've got is any sort of covering.

Like, you know, you've got a poncho, you've got some sort of long coat, maybe a blanket if you need it.

Make sure you've got something that'll cover just about as much as possible.

From there, I think you're going to want to get it treated.

Waterproofing, of course, you can waterproof fabrics just by dipping them in wax.

It's not super, you know, it's not super comfortable, but that's a good first step.

I have a quick question about the wax.

So a little while back, I was really into Sensi, you know, that MLM, you know, I got into a lot of them.

Do you think I could reuse my Sensis as a wax covering?

I don't know. Is that, I'm not quite sure what it's made of, but do you think that would be possible?

You know, I think actually that might be a pretty good idea.

I don't know too much about Sensi myself, but I did hear that they were putting some interesting ingredients in to get the scent in,

to get it smelling just how you want.

And I think, you know, if you are melting that stuff down, you might be able to mix it with, well,

I was going to say hydroloptyne, that's a little hard to get just, you know, if you're out scavenging.

Yeah, I'm going to try and spell it.

Yeah, you don't need to spell it to grab it.

But I think maybe just for around the house, around the house stuff that you could pick out,

if you've got any kind of, you know, what am I thinking of? Milk.

If you've got any kind of milk that you can mix into the wax of the candles, if you're smelting on the Sensis,

I think that might react with...

Do you think if it's in cheese form, I got a lot of palm, mozzarella, is it too late if it's already in cheese form?

Do I got to stick to milk?

No, no, no, that could be good. That could be very, very good.

That's got the long term, you know, it's got the long term preserved properties.

I think if you shred it up real good and you melt it down, you can put it into the wax with the cheese.

Got it.

And then, you know, you melt that out, you can lay out your blanket, your jacket, whatever you've got,

and you can sort of paint it on to get it fully covered.

Might look a little weird, but it'll keep you safe from any kind of acid rain thing

that you are going to experience as you go out looking for those lights.

All right. Yeah, I greatly appreciate your advice.

I think the only thing I'll have to contest is my husband, Johnny.

He'll feel good about us using up the mozzarella to go out, but, you know, we got to stay safe.

It's hard times out there.

I mean, if anything, we have plenty of mozzarella that we stored up over the years here, you know, for such emergencies.

So thank you for your advice.

And, you know, if you happen to find your way up in Jersey, we'd love to take you for a slice sometime.

You know, I'd really appreciate that.

You know, we're always on the move here with our setup.

We've got the van, it's got the antenna.

So, you know, we try to keep light if we need to pack up in a hurry.

So, you know, if we are ever down there, I will absolutely take you up on that, Maria.

Thank you so much.

All right. Take care.

You too.

All right, everybody. Thank you once again for tuning in.

I'm really excited to be here with you guys broadcasting once again.

It's been, you know, a little inconsistent lately, but I am glad that we're able to get back to you now.

I can see that we have our next caller on the line.

It is Arthur calling in from Beaufort, South Carolina.

How's it going, Arthur?

It's going great, except, you know, some people I know, they have, you know, a house to live in.

And we're just kind of having the rough hit at the moment.

And I know you've got some expertise on the automotive side.

So I'm just looking at ways of adapting my vehicle as a not just as a shelter, but a house, an actual home that we can kind of spread out

and adapt to things as they're, you know, slowly evolving.

Yeah.

I know the last caller was looking for ways to waterproof things.

And this car, you know, it's good and all.

And, you know, it's good in rain, but it does leak when there's too much rain.

It kind of seeps in from below.

I gotcha.

So in terms of like waterproofing and that kind of thing, you know, cheese is good and all.

I imagine Cheez Whiz probably is better in some ways because it's already a liquid.

Yeah.

Could fill in those cracks and voids.

It's particularly good for fixing up cars, like you said, because you can get it in.

It's a little bit like that sealant foam.

Sealant foam is pretty hard to come by these days.

But Cheez Whiz, you've got it in those pressurized cans.

It's pretty good for filling in the cracks.

What kind of vehicle have you got?

Is it, you know, sedan, midsize?

Oh, it's one of them.

I guess it's a Hyundai.

We found it.

You know, they kind of had a reputation for being able to get into real easy lack.

You just kind of take the USB stick and stick it in there and walk off with it.

We got it secondhand.

Like I say, we're turning it into a home.

And, you know, so the brothers, they got the front half.

It's almost like the downstairs.

And I've got the upper half, which is the backseat.

That's the upstairs.

And in terms of latrine facilities, again, we've had to adapt.

We used to have outhouses, and we're back to outhouses now.

I mean, whatever works, whatever you need to do, you know?

I understand.

Yeah, you got to keep those things separated.

Now, the best part is that we can get this thing, and, you know, we had just enough fuel to move on

and leave behind the latrine so we're not having to do all that fancy upkeep of an actual facility like that.

But, again, you know, our biggest concern was keeping the water from inundating from below.

So I'll take that advice to heart.

We'll just have to go scavenging for some of that pressurized cheese whiz to keep the watertight bottom on that old Hyundai.

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

I'm also now thinking about ways that you might be able to--

because the cheese whiz is good for, you know, plugging up any holes that might be leaking, any way for that.

But if you've got just sort of--you want to just sort of generally shore up the underside of your vehicle,

I'm thinking, you know, one thing that you might be able to do--

I don't know if you've got access to any kind of--what are they called?

You know, it used to be a Home Depot type thing, but now it's just those big, big stores where you can just sort of get any kind of--

if there's any kind of place where you can have it as a resource, you know, go in and get what you need when you need it.

If you can find any kind of like those sort of backyard mats that you would put--

not so much the welcome mats, but like they're a little tougher, I guess, for scraping off your boots and things like that.

If you can get those and really lay them down, down towards--in the trunk, in the footwells,

anywhere you're worried about the water getting up and in, you can use those to sort of create, you know,

some sort of waterproof barrier because that's what they're for.

That gives me a good idea. We can get some towels. We could trade for some towels. I didn't know it.

And, you know, they're a little softer. They might plug the holes up better, but, you know, a mat, a big old mat might just do the trick also.

So maybe a combination of both things. But getting some of those goods, as you were talking about, is a little hard to do.

So what we found was trading for things, bartering, as it were, is probably the best, best, you know, pathway to acquiring things.

You know, especially if you don't have it already. In essence, we also traded in a way, getting our Hyundai.

And from there, you know, I'm thinking we're going to have to probably trade to get some stuff.

So you got to have something to trade something. And so, lease-wise, we got the car.

And so what we found was that if we could find a wild animal walking alongside the road, you know,

you could just, you know, kind of veer off real quick and knock him down. Then you got something.

That's money in the bank right there. Trade that for some of them that are mats.

We're golden. We last all year, I can tell. That's what's going to happen.

That's a great plan. And I bet you're in an area where those larger animals are pretty common these days.

Well, some of the smaller ones, yes. If we was further back from the coast, you know, where the bigger animals, like a bear or a deer,

might have more chance. But yeah, we're having to go after some smaller varmint types.

That takes a lot of gasoline sometimes going off in them fields to get a squirrel occasionally.

And sometimes, I hate to say it, some feral house animals. I don't like saying that, but, you know, meat's meat.

And it's good and you can trade it. But, you know, we got to keep this car. This car is our house now.

You do what you got to do. You got to keep your car running. You got to get the fuel. You got to get it taken care of.

If that's the shelter that you got, you got to do what you got to do. I understand.

We up here, we don't have so many of the big animals either. But we have this phenomena.

I don't know if you guys have the lights where you are. I know they're over in New York. You heard the last caller.

That's right.

We have sometimes these sounds that come out, very low, sort of rhythmic kind of sounds happening, I would say twilight or dawn hours.

So you get a lot of the crepuscular animals. They come out and listen. It's like hypnotizing.

So if you're ever trying to figure, if you ever notice something like that happening in your area,

that you could be paying attention to dawn or dusk as good times to go out, see what kind of animals are out there.

Definitely. Because I know, you know, like chickens, they know when it's light and they'll tell you.

And other animals, they like to come out when it's safe.

So that, you know, as far as lights go, I have to say, they are coming at different times.

You don't always know when you're going to see them. And I have been, I've been fooled.

I've been tricked a few times with those lights coming up, thinking it was the wrong time of day.

And so when that happens, and that's how bright it is, I tell you, it is bright.

It will wake you up just like the first caller said. It will.

Mess with your sleep.

Oh, exactly. Exactly. And you cannot black. There are no blackout shades for Hyundai as such.

Again, you got to adapt. You got to acquire those things.

So, you know, got to get more towels or more mats or what have you, which means we got to go hunting.

Well, I shouldn't say hunting, but, you know, driving and getting the small armaments collected up.

The point being that, you know, the lights are also not helping.

It is not a help. It is just downright frustrating.

Yeah. You know, if you were just in, you know, ordinarily, if you were just in one place,

if you were in a house, you didn't have or, you know, small, whatever kind of shelter you had,

I would ordinarily say you could think about painting, but painting the windows.

But in a car, I know that's just a no go because, you know, you got to keep your eyes out for anything. 360.

Understood. You know, you want to still obey all the laws.

The windows got to be clear to see through when you're operating the vehicle.

That's so pilot. I want to thank you so much for giving me that clear advice.

And you have a good day.

No problem. You too. And, hey, you know, if it ends up helping, if you get the chance, call back in.

I always like to know how people are doing down the line. If there's anything I can do to help.

You got it. Thank you, Beth. Have a great day.

All right. Next caller I can see on our line, it is Chet from El Paso, Texas.

Chet, how are you doing today? Well, I'm doing just fine. How are you doing, pilot?

I'm doing great. You know, I'm well, I'm getting by, let's say.

Times are hard out there. Times are hard.

No, but go ahead. If I could, I just wanted to I wanted to say, you know, these lights people are talking about.

I have not seen any of those lights down here in Texas. I'm curious if you think they might be connected to the water,

because I'm nowhere near the water and I don't see any of these dang lights.

I don't know what people are talking about. So I'm just curious if I get your thoughts on that at some point.

But one thing I did want to say is your last.

Caller mentioned the rumblings, and I tell you, we haven't had rain. We don't have the ass rain.

We got the dust storms. The dust storms are bad down here in Texas. They just keep coming and coming.

I had to give up driving my car because the engine just seized up. There's nothing I could do about it.

Luckily, you know, down here in Texas, lots of wildlife ranches and things like that.

So we were able to go poach some camels and some llamas, what have you.

And that's how we're traveling these days. But man, those, you know, whatever you call them,

curpuscular rumblings, man, they come up, those animals just freeze up.

We can't go anywhere between six and like eight p.m. We're just stuck because they just sit there staring at the skyline.

We can't get them to move. I try kicking them, I try pushing them, I try leaving them with carrots, what have you.

I can't do anything. So I don't know if anybody else has had any issues.

But I guess what I was calling to ask about is, does anybody have any dust tips?

How do I deal with lots of dust? Is anybody else dealing with all this dust or is it just us?

And, you know, has anybody found any way to snap these dang animals out of that trance?

Because, man, I'm trying to go get groceries. I'm trying to pillage.

I'm trying to do all these dang things and I just can't get them to move.

So if you got any feedback on any of those, I would sure appreciate it.

Yeah, Chet, no problem. You know, those are some great, great questions.

First thing off the top of my head, I'm also not coastal. I'm also a little inland.

So maybe it is the lights have to do with the water or something like that.

I think that's real good. I just try--well, you know, we move around a lot,

but I try and keep up on the news from a couple different areas.

I think, you know, I would love to know if there's any other callers out there who are coastal,

who are--if you're not on the ocean, if you're near a big body of water or something like that,

if you're seeing the lights, we can try and figure this out together.

In the meantime, though, Chet, you had that question about how you get the animals to snap out

when they're hearing those rumblings. I'm wondering, you know, I asked Marie about this.

I'm afraid I did not ask Arthur about this, but do you guys have any of that sort of heavy-duty ear protection?

Kind of heavy-duty earplugs, headphones, anything like that?

Because I'm not sure right now how you'd go about retrofitting that kind of thing to animals,

but I'm wondering if it's something they can hear versus if it's something they can feel.

You know, when sound gets really heavy, strong vibrations if you're feeling it in your chest

versus if you're hearing it, what is getting to their attention?

What's keeping them in place, that kind of thing?

Well, that is a good question. You know, I'm going to have to try finding something to stick in Darlene's ears.

Now, Darlene, that's not my wife. That's my llama.

And, you know, because we got Rudy and we got Snapper, and those are two--and they're biters.

I ain't going nowhere near their front ends. Their back ends aren't good either, but the front ends,

it's dangerous up there. But Darlene, she's a sweetheart, and, you know,

I might just try to find some random rags, towels, what have you.

I know you guys were talking about Cheez Whiz before me. I'll sop them up real good with Cheez Whiz

so I can wedge them in there pretty good and then see if that helps.

But, yeah, I never thought about the difference between the sounds and the rumblings.

I didn't know--I never really thought about that.

I do have to say, you know, it might be a rumbling kind of thing because I notice the bats get a little loopy

when it happens too. So, you know--

They'd be extra sensitive for that. You guys have a lot of bats in your area down there?

Oh, yeah, we got lots of bats. They come up from, you know, Mexico when it gets too hot

and they head back down in the winter. So, you know, but you notice it's--

the migration, the migratory patterns, they're getting a little off too.

So I don't know, you know, maybe that's connected to the rumblings or the lights.

You know, I don't know much these day, Pilots. I didn't know much to begin with,

and now that all this is going down, I know even less.

We're all figuring it out together.

Yeah, so I would--for your questions, I would say trying that--

trying to see if you can block up Darlene's ears and see if that makes any kind of difference,

if it helps at all.

For the dust, dust is a little trickier because, you know, just by its nature,

it gets in everywhere. It's a little harder, but if you can hook up some kind of small fan generator,

something pretty targeted, maybe you can blow it out of any of the most key areas.

I would focus on, you know, keeping--prioritizing, making sure you know what needs to stay dust-free,

what needs to stay clean, and what you can sort of let slide if you really have to, that kind of thing.

Man, well, at this point, I just think--I just prefer myself to be dust-free.

Yeah.

I don't really care about much else, but yeah, you know, we'll have to see.

You know, generators down here are getting all gummed up with the dust.

I tried the solar panels, but then the solar panels get covered with--it's just dust everywhere.

It's darker than the steers took us most times around here, so, you know.

Solar panels don't sound like they're doing much good for you, then, in that case.

I'm sorry to hear it.

Yeah, well, you know what? If we get any ideas or anything works, I'll call back in

and share what we got with your listeners, and hopefully we can be of help to some people.

But I do appreciate you having the show, and we listen to you all the time and have good tips.

So thank you very much, Violet.

Anytime. Thanks for calling in.

All righty. We've had some great questions so far today, and I hope we can keep them coming.

I think I can see our next caller here on the line.

Bob from Chicago, Illinois. How are things out in Chicago, Bob?

Oh, thank you for calling me--or for letting me call in.

I'm real excited to chat. I got time to kill, you know.

And stuck on the L on the train and all this nonsense going on.

I'm thinking I'm going to be here for a little while.

But I'm excited. I've been listening for a long time. Maybe you can help me out.

I got on the train to go to work this morning, and we've been stopped for a while.

There's lots of water below us, coming all the way in from Lake Michigan.

We don't get the light out here in Chicago, but--midwest, you know.

But we are getting hit with that acid rain.

So I'm real concerned.

And the main thing is I just want to get out of this train. I'm not sure what to do.

Yeah. That's a toughie.

Especially--it's raining right now. I assume it's just sort of been--

from what I hear from your area, it's pretty consistent rain.

Those big bodies of water.

Yeah, and I think it's really the rain and the noise, like we mentioned.

It's really bugging the Lake Michigan wildlife.

You know, we don't--normally not real dangerous body of water.

But I'm seeing some concerning red spots in the water and bubbles.

I'm concerned. I've got to get to work or stay alive. I don't know.

I'm not sure what to stick with.

I'd say stay alive, then get to work. You've got to keep your priorities in order.

But okay, okay. So we're looking at trying to get you, one, off this train,

two, to work, three, out the rain, keep you out of any kind of animals

that may be coming up from around, maybe inside Lake Michigan.

I hope nothing's learning to walk out there.

Does that sound about right?

With that acid rain, who knows?

Who knows? All right. Okay.

And did you bring any kind of protective gear?

I don't know what kind of stuff you pack to go to work these days.

So I'm looking in my backpack, and my wife did pack water wings.

Water wings, okay. It's a great start.

Water wings sound like a good place to start.

They're going to keep you from, I think, from any kind of--

we're talking about animals coming up from the depths.

Water wings are going to hopefully keep you at least afloat,

and give you that sort of--you can spend your time propelling

instead of just trying to tread water.

So let's see. What can we do with some water wings?

What can we do for you? Bob, let me think. Let me think.

Okay. So I have a question. This is going to sound a little bit silly,

but I'd say, you know, how big, how pressurized are these water wings?

How high pressure can you get them?

Well, you know, I haven't inflated them yet, but I can give it a go.

I am real concerned about these fish that look bigger than normal.

Yeah, the fish are concerning.

Because what I'm thinking is, if you can get them really, really pressurized,

like real good, and I know this might be a little bit of a stretch,

you might be able to use them as propulsion,

try and get yourself over the water,

and turn those water wings into regular wings, if you understand what I'm saying.

But it might be a tall order, given you're still on that--

you're still stuck on that train.

Hmm. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see.

Now, I'm not too familiar with the L.

What kind of seating arrangement type thing do you have going on?

Oh, yeah. So it's chairs that face each other.

It's like the subway, but it's elevated.

Okay. Okay.

That's why it's called that.

And, yeah, I mean, I can give flight a go, let you know.

I'm hoping we can maybe keep that a backup option.

I'm wondering if you and maybe the other passengers could work together

and try and get some of those chairs out off the wall, tip them up,

sort of V-style, turn them into a V-shape.

Not ideal, but it could be a sort of canoe, if you really need to,

if you really need to get started with that.

We'll get enough paddles together, because I'm real concerned about

these acid fish that are out there.

Yeah, the acid fish are an issue.

I'm also hoping, though, that the metal or the plastic,

whatever they make those seats out of, is enough to sort of keep them

from biting through.

If you've got any kind of--

packed any kind of lunch for work today, I know people are sort of

more in the habit of packing what they can, carrying it with them,

than trying to depend on food when they get there.

I don't like to suggest it, but if you're in an absolute pinch,

you might be able to use that to distract some of the fish.

Okay, yeah.

I think that sounds like a plan.

I didn't like what I packed for lunch today anyway.

All right, all right.

All right, well, that's something.

Is there anything I've left unaddressed for you,

any kind of questions I can help you out with?

What do you work that's making you come into work these days?

What do you work?

Oh, it's one of those tech startups.

I got unlimited vacation, but sometimes they don't like it when I take it.

Oh, yeah, that makes too much sense.

Listen, you know what?

If you're there, while you're there, you can use their generators,

their tech, any kind of thing that you can do

to just sort of redistribute that energy, get it out.

I bet there's lots of people in your area who are still needing it.

Well, thank you.

I'll give it a shot, and hopefully it goes well.

You got this, Bob.

Stay strong out there and fight off those fish.

I know you can do it, okay?

Will do.

Will do.

Thank you for calling in.

All right, next caller I am seeing, Luigi from Italy.

Is that you?

Wow, long distance.

How's it going?

Ciao, ciao, ciao, pilota.

Ciao, Luigi.

How's it going?

How are you doing?

It's great to have you international caller.

Grazie, very good.

Grazie, molto bene.

I didn't know this.

Sorry, my English is not very good.

You're doing all right.

You're doing great.

But in Italian, in Italy, where I am right now,

gigantic, very big, how do you say, hella slime.

Hella slime.

Oh, I don't like to hear that.

In America also, gigantic hella slime, green slime,

very bad for your skin.

They going around absorbing people, these hella slimes?

Yes, it also kill you and your family and the little baby deer.

Oh, no.

The llama also.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, no, I misspoke.

I'm so sorry.

In America, do you have the hella slime yet?

Hella slime, I haven't experienced those so much.

Well, you know, I'm traveling up and down the coast, inland a little bit,

back and forth.

We try and go a little bit of everywhere to make sure that we can reach

people in different areas.

I didn't know our antenna could reach as far as Italy.

That is amazing and very heartening to hear.

Thank you.

But I do think I've heard reports of the hella slimes coming out of Florida.

So if we have any callers coming in from Florida,

if you want to report in and let us know what you guys are dealing with down

there, I would love to hear it.

But hella slimes, let's see.

Are you looking for advice on how to outrun them, on how to fight them?

What are you looking for, Luigi?

What can I help you with?

Thank you.

I connect with your radio because I am in the mountains, high in the mountains,

and I have shortwave radio.

And I look for other people to find out the hella slime take over their country,

too.

Yeah, all gone in Italy.

I am the only one left.

Oh, dear.

Because I am very high.

In the mountains?

The hella slime has not made it to me yet.

I am outrunning the hella slime up the mountain.

Okay, okay.

I see, I see, I see.

So you're in the mountains.

You've got valleys.

Are there any other mountains not so near to you, I bet?

I'm on the highest mountain.

The highest mountain.

Oh, dear.

Okay.

And the hella slime has eaten everybody.

Everybody.

But it's not in America.

It's surprising because America is like a great hella slime, no?

So now you exist and we're gone with all our artists.

We're gone.

So funny, right?

Funny.

It is a little funny.

I've got to say, I am real sorry for your loss because that sounds rough, honestly.

It sounds pretty rough, Luigi.

As far as trying to escape, trying to outrun the hella slimes, I can't recommend flying to every single caller who comes in.

But have you thought about is there any way for you to build some sort of hang gliding device?

I don't know what resources you're working with.

I don't have enough cheese for that.

No cheese.

Oh, no.

I know that cheese is a big solution in America.

Cheese whiz, which has never been exported to us.

Not so much for you guys.

You have your more regional parmesan.

I don't know what kind of cheese comes out of the mountains of Italy, but maybe a little bit less flexible.

Astiago is a very good cheese.

You would like that if we still had it.

You would like it very much.

But it's in the hella slime now.

It's in the hella slime.

Okay.

I don't call for solution.

All is lost in Italy.

Just to see if we're alone, that's all.

I think, well, as much as I can give you, I think Florida is in a pretty similar situation.

If there still is a Florida, I've got to say, I'm a little fuzzy on that one there.

It's -- I really wish there was more I could do for you, Luigi, but it is good to hear your voice.

It's good to know that there's at least one survivor out there in Italy.

And I've got to say, please call back in any time you can.

I want to keep hearing your voice, okay?

Grazie.

Grazie mille.

And if maybe -- if I survive on my hang glider, I'll hang glide to Florida.

You got it.

Hey, you know what?

On your way there, stop by Chicago.

Stop by Chicago, pick up Bob.

Sounds like he needs a friend to get him out of that jam.

Okay.

Arrivederci.

Good to hear from you.

All right.

I see that our next caller -- wow, we've got a hot hotline today.

We've got Holly coming in from -- oh, you're pretty local.

So I'm out here in Treehouse Down.

We're a little outside Rutland, Vermont.

And, Holly, it looks like that is where you are from, too.

Holly, how's it going?

Hi, Pilot.

Oh, my God.

So I don't know if you remember me, but, like, we used to be -- it's Holly Strickland from elementary school.

Do you remember her?

Oh, my God, Holly Strickland.

It's been years.

God.

It's so good to hear your voice.

I know, right?

So my family moved away for a while, you remember, in middle school, and that was devastating for us.

But, you know, my family's roots were always here in Vermont.

So, you know, when shit started happening, I was like, I've got to get back home, see if I can organize.

But, you know, just remembering deep -- because, you know, we can all see the signs of things are happening with the Earth.

You remember, like, when we tried to, for our middle school science project, build that solar oven so we could try to bake cookies?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was a cloudy day, and, you know, our parents tried to tell us, like, it's not going to work.

And then we forgot it outside, and then the sun came out.

And then we had charcoal instead of cookies.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God.

That was a good time.

You know, I'd totally forgotten all about that.

Do you think it's still viable?

You know, I don't know.

We get sort of, you know, intermittent sunshine, but if it's something that -- if that solar oven project, you think it could still work out, is that what you're calling about?

Or is it --

You know, I'm just kind of calling back.

So, you know, I'm back into town recently, and I do -- you know, just, you know, thinking about, like, you know, it's so good to hear your voice because, you know, I don't think we imagined this is where the world would end up.

We kind of, like, talked about, like, how can we -- how can we survive if things go bad?

And so, yeah, I think I'm really invested in how, you know, the solar energies or whatever we can use from our resources to survive.

I'm trying to -- you know, the school's not really in use anymore in the same way it was, right?

It's kind of, you know, a ground for people to come get what they need.

So, you know, resources are limited, especially once it gets cold here, you know, in the winter.

So, you know, any solar projects you've heard from people that I could, you know, try to do?

I mean, baking cookies, maybe that's, like, you know, maybe that's step one.

We need a little sweetness, you know?

Stay well-fed, yeah.

Yeah.

Solar projects that I've heard from a couple people, well, you know, just first things first, I do have to say, if you're -- you've got that -- we've got that -- we've got the school.

Big flat roof on that school.

Good place to set up solar panels if you can get the chance, if you can get the resources.

I think solar projects that I've heard other people talking about, okay, we've got that solar energy.

We had one person call in from Montana a couple weeks ago.

They were thinking about how to set up some sort of solar panels and see if they could use them to get their -- to get their wagon, get that hooked up to the generator.

So that's a more of a mobile question, I suppose, but looking at solar power as an option for keeping your vehicles powered, for keeping oven -- oven, great.

Having some sort of way to cook your food consistently, I think that's a really good thing for you to pursue, Holly.

I think that that's a good plan.

Yeah, you know, and I -- so, you know, I know we did -- you know, hung out a lot together, but there was one time -- do you remember, Jimmy?

Oh, God, what was his last name?

It doesn't matter.

But he was a rebel, you know, he was cute.

And so one time he was like, I know how to get on the roof of the school, and I didn't believe him.

But then he showed me.

So I actually know how to get on this roof.

It's like weird to think that that weird memory is going to be up here at this moment.

Oh, God, man.

It's crazy that stuff comes back.

I wonder how that guy's doing.

I hope he's okay.

I know, gosh, seriously.

I mean, he's wearing his acid rain covering, so he strikes me as a guy that would not do that these days.

You know, maybe he's off battling that slime.

I don't know.

I heard that guy, you know, from Italy.

I don't know.

This seems like the kind of thing he would get into and be like, ah, no.

He's got that intercontinental adventure vibe for sure.

For sure.

But, you know, he's making sacrifices for fashion.

I hope not.

For sure.

Well, you know, if you -- you know, I know you stay busy with this, but if you want to come on down to the school, too, you know, it sounds like you're going to be a little busy.

It sounds like you've gathered a lot of expertise and people around you.

We'd love to have your help.

Yeah, of course.

You know, if I come down, we can get you on the airwaves, or, you know, if there's anybody out there who wants to hop into the studio and share their stories, we're always happy to have guests.

Thank you.

It's so good.

I hope we catch up, too.

I mean, all the ridiculous stuff.

I mean, a lot of stuff I couldn't say on air right now and embarrass myself.

Got to help.

Got to.

We've got to keep some things in the memories, but it's good to hear.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, no, I appreciate you being -- you know, doing this during these hard times.

It's just a little crazy out there.

You know, we try.

We try.

But, hey, thanks for calling in, and if you get the chance, bake some cookies for me, okay?

Oh, definitely, for sure.

I still remember your favorite.

Snickerdoodle.

All right, everybody.

I think -- ooh, we are rolling along.

I think it's time for our next caller coming in.

That is Mike from Niagara.

Mike, how are you doing?

You are on --

Hi.

You hear me?

Yes, loud and clear.

I can hear you.

You guys are coming in from -- are you right by the falls?

Real close?

Yes, definitely.

Falls are close by, yeah.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

How are you guys doing out there?

I haven't had the chance.

It's wet.

Wet.

Oh, yeah, I can hear that.

Oh.

Are they getting bigger?

Are those falls getting bigger?

Is that correct?

They are -- something's going on.

It's wetter than normal.

Oh, dear.

I don't like to hear that.

I'm trying to move a bit away from it.

I'm up Clifton Hill a little bit.

Okay.

Still wet.

Not normally wet here.

Misty, very misty.

Misty.

Oh, oh.

I wonder what's in those mists.

Okay.

Well, you know what, Mike, what can I help you with today?

What are you working on?

Or what are you struggling with?

Oh, I'm just hearing all these things going on all over the world.

Flying, Florida still here, problems.

I am wondering if this mist is part of it.

Can you help me?

What the mist could be about.

You know, that is a really good question.

I have had a couple callers, not from the Niagara area,

but I've had some people call in about mists in other, you know,

sort of inland bodies of water.

Not Lake Michigan.

Lake Michigan is still dealing with those acid fish.

But for the mists, I would say, listen, the big thing for mists,

the big thing you've got to worry about is visibility.

You want to make sure.

I can see the mist.

You can see the mist.

But if, are they coming, like, I,

what kind of rate are they approaching at?

Have you, anybody that you know,

had to go into the mists for any kind of purpose?

I am in the mist.

Okay.

I have no purpose, though.

I'm in it.

All right.

It's blue sky, though.

Blue sky.

Okay.

That's good.

I'm glad to hear it.

You keep your eyes on that sky.

You make sure that, well, to the best of your ability.

I still are a sailormore.

It's still misty, though.

Okay, okay.

Listen, what I want you to do is I want you to keep an ear out.

Mists can mess with your visibility.

They can make it a little hard to see what's coming for you on the ground level.

They can make it a little hard to tell what's going on.

But I want you to, if you don't have any kind of light or anything you can do,

it's daytime out, so it may or may not be helpful to you.

What I want you to do --

Get on the Ferris wheel?

You guys have a Ferris wheel?

Why didn't you say so?

That is perfect.

That's going to get you great vantage point to see the whole area,

get you up in the air, outside.

I'm on it already.

Don't worry.

You don't have to convince me.

I'm on.

Oh, fantastic.

Okay, okay.

It's misty.

All right.

Is it misty all the way up the top?

Still misty so far.

Okay.

Still blue sky.

Okay, okay, okay.

Listen, are you --

you're not the operator of this Ferris wheel, are you?

You're a passenger?

What's going on there?

I hope not.

Oh, dear.

Okay.

It was just going.

It's just going.

All right.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

I wonder if you can turn that into some kind of water wheel.

If you've got all that water going on, you've got that Ferris wheel.

But --

Oh.

It's clearing a bit.

Oh, it is?

It is?

Okay.

I can kind of see.

You see.

Let's see.

What do you got in that area?

They usually head away from me, and they still are.

Yes.

Okay.

All right.

That's -- that's a good -- that can be a good sign.

That can be a good sign, depending.

Listen, how are you feeling lately?

How are you feeling lately, Mike?

Kind of excited.

Excited?

Yeah.

I'm enjoying this.

And I can see the falls now.

Mm-hmm.

I can kind of see the problem.

Okay.

And what might that be?

The falls are going up.

Oh, yeah.

You know what?

That'll get you.

Okay.

That's why there's mist everywhere, but I don't know what the fish are doing.

Uh-oh.

Those birds that you mentioned, what do they look like?

What kind of shape are those birds?

What kind of --

Well, they've got wings.

They're big, dark, colorful.

No fish, though.

No fish up in the air with those birds?

Some of them have fish.

Okay.

They're carrying the fish.

That's for them.

Okay.

All right.

Let's see.

Upside-down waterfall.

That's a little outside my range of experience, but you know what?

We're going to try and get you through this.

Okay.

Let's see.

I think in this situation -- ooh.

Honestly, in this situation, my instinct would be to dig.

I need a barrel.

I think I need a barrel.

You can do a barrel.

You can do a barrel.

I don't know what kind of -- what kind of access do you have?

Do you have a barrel just on-site that you can grab, any kind of thing?

Or are you sort of strapped for barrels locally?

I actually opened a barrel shop in town.

Oh, fantastic.

So I have lots, yeah.

You doing a good business these days?

A lot of --

No, I want, you know, want people to buy them to maybe go over the falls

in the barrel.

I haven't sold any yet.

Yeah.

You know, you might -- now that it's going up, you might get some --

you might get some people who are interested in sort of that joy ride going.

Yeah, I'm interested.

Thrill ride.

Well, let's see.

Is there anything in particular that I can help you with?

Because, listen, you know, I do like to support local businesses,

but if you're just here to plug your barrel shop,

I am going to have to ask if you have a question.

No, I'm just here to plug the barrel shop, to be honest.

Ah, well, you know what?

That's fine.

We all got to do what it takes.

And listen --

Mike's barrels.

Takes barrels.

Clifton Hill.

Takes barrels.

Clifton Hill.

I respect the hustle, Mike.

And, hey, anybody out there who's listening, if you are in the Niagara area,

if you are around, if you're looking for something fun to do,

it's sounding like those mists, not as concerning as I thought they might be,

you might just want to consider heading over,

getting a barrel from our pal Mike here, and taking a ride.

Call it Viagra Falls now.

Oh, okay.

All right, I'm going to go grab my barrel and strap in.

Sounds good.

You have a good one.

Have a good time.

Thank you.

Bye.

All right, all right.

Let's see who is up next.

I'm just taking a look.

We have a lot of callers out here today.

Let's see.

Big Petey calling in from Philadelphia.

How's it going, Big Petey?

What are you up to today?

Hey, there, Pilot.

How are you doing?

I'm here in Philadelphia.

I know there's lots of crazy stuff going on out there, but I'm looking for love.

That's what I'm looking for these days.

It's not my usual business, but I'm happy to help.

What's up?

I've talked to everybody, and I'm getting nowhere.

I don't know.

It's hard these days finding a lady, Pilot.

The water is just terrible here.

It smells like a damn hoagie.

Every time I take a shower, I come out smelling worse than I did when I went in.

I got halfway down the block.

The ladies are scattering.

I don't know what to do, Pilot.

I'm on my way to end.

I'm lonely.

Holly, your friend Holly, it seems like you know her.

She sounded real nice.

So just say, "What's up, Holly?

How are you doing?"

That's pretty great.

I will say, she's not local, but if you guys can -- if you've got a phone line, but that

may be a little hard to manage in this time.

But you know what?

If you ever come up to -- if you're coming up to Vermont, come, let me know, let Holly

know.

We'll go get drinks sometime.

It'll be a good time.

But to your question --

Yeah, it's only -- what's that?

Like a two-week hike?

I ain't got a car no more.

All these cars are dying, and I ain't got enough Cheez Whiz to make mine run.

Hell, you know, we're here in -- I had to -- we're making cheese steaks, and I went

from using cheddar to the Cheez Whiz.

Now everybody's using Cheez Whiz to plug up their holes and grease up their cars, and

apparently people are sticking them down in camel's ears in Texas.

I don't know what the hell, but now I'm down to using government cheese and cheese powder

and whipping that up.

And, you know, the beef's all gone, so, man, we're frying up rats and powdered cheese these

days, and I mean, it's terrible, Pilot.

And how am I going to get a label like that?

You can't say, "Hey, you want to come over for a rat steak?"

Nobody wants a damn rat steak, Pilot.

I mean, can't even get down to the Wawa.

The Wawa's all blocked up, the creek's filling up with that stinky water.

I can't go anywhere.

I'm, like, trapped here.

I ain't got no companionship.

I mean, I don't know, Pilot.

I don't know.

I'm at my wits' end here.

What's the best thing you can do to help me?

I don't know if you got any dating tips, dating advice in the apocalypse, if anybody out there

can just point me in the right direction.

I am lonely, Pilot.

You know, Big P, I got to say, this is a tough one.

I think we all are struggling to find a little connection out here at the end of times, but

I think that your question's a real one.

I think a lot of people are out there struggling with it right now.

You've got the question of just how you're taking care of yourself, what you're going

to do if you meet a nice lady, what are you going to--you're going to have a nice date,

what are you going to treat her to.

I think, listen, you know, I'm really sorry to be the one to have to say this, because

I know it's what you all are doing to sort of keep your identity going on in this apocalypse.

Have you considered some other kind of sandwich, some other kind of meal that you might want

to--because, you know, it's some other kind of treat you might want to give her because

I'm thinking here, what you might want to do is focus on a way to stand out.

Give whatever women you're talking to a sort of unique experience so that they go, "Hey,

this is a guy who's looking to the future.

This is a guy who's looking for something new.

He's looking to figure out a way forward right now.

He's trying things out.

He's experimenting.

He's got some sort of vision and drive.

And he's--if that means that we're not having a rat sandwich, if that means we've got to

try something new, this is a guy who knows what the future might look like."

I don't know if that answers your question.

I don't know if that's at all helpful.

But my other advice is if you can rig up some kind of water purification system so you don't

have to use the--crick water I think you called it--some kind of way of maybe evaporating it

into the sun--into the sun--evaporating it with whatever sunlight you guys are getting,

getting it sort of more purified, more clean.

You can maybe rig up some kind of shower with--I don't know if you have colander kind of thing,

anything like that.

Just trying to get it a little bit more purified.

That's more on the fix it, hack and stuff together thing, which is my end of things.

But do I know those answers help you at all?

Yeah, you know, they do, Pilot.

And you got me thinking--your last caller mentioned the mist sounds delightful.

The mist sounds wonderful.

So I think I might just hop on my electric bike, pack up some rat sandwiches, and head

to Niagara.

And I might just find a lady along the way.

You know, if I can't tempt her with my body smells and my rat sandwiches, then I mean

a barrel ride sounds like an adventure these days.

So, you know.

Yeah, you never know.

There's lots of people hitchhiking out there these days.

You might just find someone.

Yeah, you know, go for a ride in a barrel, have a sandwich, you know, enjoy the crick.

It'll be nice.

Yeah.

Maybe you can even go for a ride on the Ferris wheel.

Get a nice good view of that upside down falls.

After, of course, you have stopped by Mike's Barrel Shop.

Well, I'm going to do that.

And, you know, like I said at the beginning, you know, just, "Holly, how you doing?"

You know, I will stop by Vermont on my way up there and maybe we can make it a tandem

barrel ride.

You know what I mean?

We'll look forward to seeing you.

All right.

Thanks, Pilot.

Okay.

All right.

Let me see.

Our next caller.

I--hmm.

Arthur.

Is that the same Arthur?

Arthur from Central Florida.

You guys are--if that's you, you're moving fast.

Indeed, I am, Pilot.

Long time--well, short time listener, second time caller on this show, as you may already

know.

Amanda's got a real engine on her.

Oh, well, we got real curious listening to what everybody was saying, so we traded, you

know, some goods for some more fuel.

And me and my brothers, we traded off and we drove like the dickens down Florida.

You know, we're in South Carolina near the border, and so we kind of hauled on across

as fast as we could to see what was going on because, you know, it sounds like end of

days and all, and Florida's known for, you know, odd things at odd times of the year

and we just want to see what was going on.

So, we flew on down, you know, just drove and drove and drove, trading off, and, you

know, a caller from Niagara Falls was talking about water going in the opposite direction,

and we got down to the central part of Florida where the Everglades is, and now it's the

Everdesert.

Oh, dear.

Okay.

And there's kangaroo rats and gila monsters, which made it much easier to drive over them

because it's all flat, like a salt flat.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Not so much, you're not going to worry about, hey, you know what, you're not going to worry

about getting any of that water coming up in the car.

No ditches, no trees.

Exactly right.

So, it was good pickings on them.

Well, you know, it's not, again, these are not big animals you can drive over, but you

get a lot by the end of the day.

I think it sort of adds up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see that.

So, I just want, you know, just trying to report in conditions as we was making our

way south.

So, just like I believe it was Chet was saying, it is dry the further south you go.

We had too much water up home in Carolina, but down here it's just, oh, boy, it's kind

of grim and dry.

Grim and dry.

Got it.

Hey, you're even serious.

I never thought it could happen.

It's just, it's like the end of days, I tell you.

It is a little bit like that, I do think.

Listen, that's pretty coastal, too.

I got to ask, are you seeing any of those lights?

Well, I knew you was going to ask me that.

I had a suspicion.

I always got to ask about the lights.

I got to check.

I'm happy to report.

The lights is, I guess, mostly up and down the east coast.

I saw them again.

I can't tell what time of day it is just by looking up.

You know, it could be nighttime.

I don't know.

The lights is so bright.

Different times of the day.

And, again, I can't say this enough.

It is not helping one bit to have those lights interrupting everything.

I was going to say you guys are taking shifts to see who's driving, how you guys are going

to get some rest if you have to sleep.

Even if you can drate off, you know, you're not going to get good sleep with the sleep

of the day.

It ain't easy.

It ain't easy coming up with that roster of who's on deck, who's on watch, who's collecting

up, you know, the little critters.

But, again, we're getting by.

You know, we're still getting our fair share of goods to barter with.

And I have to say this Hyundai is holding up well, even though we about ran it into

the ground trying to get down here, you know, and be able to call in again.

It was not easy.

It was not easy.

But I'm glad to participate.

Glad to hear her.

And I wish everyone, you know, safe travels.

Yeah.

You too.

It sounds like you guys are really, you guys are real troopers up there.

I do have to, you know, it's just come to my mind, I do have to ask, it sounds like

things are pretty dry out there.

Have you passed any Hell Slime or do you think that's going on further south?

That kind of thing.

Well, I've been listening the whole trip down from Beaufort and I heard Luigi tell us all

about the Hell Slime and that sounded like a vision, just a terrible thing, terrible.

And so I was keeping a keen eye out.

I really was.

It put me on alert.

And so, you know, as we was driving around, you know, the Everett Desert, it's like, well,

I see, you know, it's still pretty flat and I'm hoping the Hell Slime doesn't camouflage

itself.

They're out on the salt flat that used to be Everglades, now the Everett Desert.

So I was keeping an eye out and, you know, we came upon what I thought was maybe a quick

sand, a little bit of, you know, wet spot.

I think I might have found Luigi's Hell Slime.

But not widespread.

Not, you know, not chasing us nowhere.

Like it was, you know, it's not like Luigi had a real bad, you know, as he got higher

up the mountain, that Hell Slime was just cutting off all means to escape.

But we was able to escape.

Now, we've only got three wheels now because that Hell Slime is very potent, I have to

say.

So the wheel that touched it, that's gone.

That's gone.

So we was dragging, you know, you can imagine all down kind of crooked on one side.

And thank goodness this car's got front wheel drive.

Those Japanese cars is amazing front wheel drive.

So we could lose both wheels as long as he's on the back.

So we're down one.

We could take it one more, but it's going to be a little tough after we lose that, lose

that second wheel.

I hate to think if we lost the front wheel.

I'm glad you guys are still going on.

I'm glad that's some advice that we can pass along to any listeners out there.

If you have the chance, pick a car with four wheel, with the front wheel drive.

If you get the choice, just, you never know when it'll come in handy.

It'll save you in situations you thought you'd never be in.

I tell you.

All right.

Well, thank you for calling back in and letting us know how you're doing, Arthur.

I think that we have time for just one more caller real quick.

I'm seeing Bob from Chicago.

You're back.

How's it going?

Oh, thanks.

I just wanted to thank you.

We put our canoe together, and we're about to try it out.

So, yeah, you know, we're going to launch this in the water right now, and we got a

decoy ready, and I just wanted to say thank you.

It was a brilliant, brilliant plan, and we're going to try it out in just a couple seconds

here.

Oh, great, great, great, great.

I'm glad to hear it.

Listen, I'm so glad that you guys were all able to come together and get that canoe rocking

and rolling, and listen, you want to stick around on broadcast for launch, or do you

think that it'll interfere with your setup to have the radio going?

I think we're going now here, so, yeah, I'm going to stay on as long as I can here, so

thanks for the advice, and we're going to take it in right now, and oh, God.

[Applause]

Well, you know what?

It sounds like those guys were some real go-getters.

They were putting together whatever they could with whatever they had.

I am so, so proud of you.

Bob, you guys, everybody on the L train, I think that you have been--people are really

just doing their best out there in this--tough times in this--you know what?

I will come out and say it, this apocalypse.

Everybody, I'm so proud of you guys.

I'm glad that you guys are out there plowing forward into the future, and I am, as always,

honored, happy, just so, so lucky to be able to broadcast to you all today and to connect

with you guys in this way.

Thank you.

This has been You Break It, I Fix It Hour with Pilot, broadcasting from Treehouse Down.

Who knows when we'll get the chance to do this again, everybody, but it has been amazing.

Thank you all, and have a great night.